Well, it seems that everything changes direction in the course of nature. My life is every day taking drastic changes. If I get stagnant I go slightly insane. So as the ever changing earth rotates on it's access my desires ebb and flow and waver like the oceans waves crashing fury on a boat after an angry monsoon season.
I have so many things I want for my life, and that little promise I made to myself all those years ago seems to be diminishing in importance.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Day 1: Questioning
I don't know if anyone out there is going to even read this, but I guess it's more for me then anything.Yesterday was rough. I kept having arguments with my husband about my productivity at work. I will fully admit my stubbornness. I was almost born to oppose. In many ways he is right... I should take my job seriously and respect the opportunity I've been given because it is the only thing sustaining our family.... on the other hand, it is because of my nature to desire complete freedom and to create and be interactive that I disengage from my job. I am isolated. I sit in a small cubicle.. and all I do is call people all day and bug them about insurance. I promised myself I would NEVER do telemarketing again... yet here I am.
I am sure that if the masses that are unemployed heard my conundrum that they would likely stone me to death. I would hear the redundant "Do you know how lucky you are to even HAVE a job!?", and while I hear that, see that, and understand that... it's hard to stay thankful when what keeps me away from my family, my music, my home, and new life experiences is an 8-5er where I sit at a desk all day only get rejected by everyone I call. In the same breath my dear husband is right. I and my family would be devastated if I got fired. Yet here I sit again writing this blog because this is one of the only things in my life that make me feel accomplished because it reminds me what I am working towards.
Last night I had band practice. Thankfully it completely turned my night around. Just before they walked through the door I was fighting about the above mentioned topic, and it was getting slightly heated. The arguing that we are doing isn't healthy. We both have a lot to work on, and have both made some big mistakes in our lives. Right now we are essentially starting from scratch in every aspect.
Two years ago my life with my husband was amazing! We were traveling the country to head out to California. We had just gotten this huge promotion with the Talent agency we were working for. We would go to different locations in the US and look for models, actors, singers, and dancers. We would host full production events 6 days a week and at the end of a 4 week cycle we would hold a main competition for them where hundreds of select talents would come to show off their skills. We usually did 2-3 four week cycles and then moved on to another location. My husband and I WERE the BEST.
At that point we had only been a team for 3 months and were already getting a huge promotion, but on the way to catching our dreams we got some bad news. My husband was being indited for the selling of marijuana. By the time he and I met it had been two years since his arrest, and he had COMPLETELY changed his life. He barley even drank, and all the sudden I was find out he was going to PRISON... FOR WEED??!
We thought he would be in the clear with a little slap on the wrist or maybe probation, but this wasn't the case. We were sent a plea agreement, and were told that this was the best case. I the most dooming words I have ever read it said "The judge reserves the right to sentence you anywhere from 1-10 years and/or a fine of $10,000.00". The general consensus was that he was charging 5 years minimum. So, we got to California and immediately had to start working knowing that in the matter of 6 weeks we would have to come back to S.C. just so that I could lose him and he would get sentenced.
After driving a full (15 hours a day) three days to get to California (which is normally done in 5- 7 days) we arrived with a truckload of home furnishings. We had invested our entire savings into renting a house with some fellow co-workers and long time friends of my husband. I think the total investment was around 9k. Mind you,... while it may have been a beautiful house with a 5 min. walk to the Huntington Beach pier we were were sharing a house with 8 other people. ( four adults & four kids - not including us). We were having to pay over 3,200 a month for a house everyone was renting and sharing and we didn't even get say in our own home... forget about privacy. Our 8 weeks in Hunting Beach was just work, work, work. Our last weeks before his impending sentence was not our dream or the fruit of our labor. It was like living in a dream where you are with someone that you loved dearly only to wake up and remember that they are dead or gone. We were living every day in a dead dream, and in was extremely painful.
So, on April 15th we headed back with a friend in toe would couldn't stand the living conditions either. My convict to be, dropped me off in Florida to be with my daughter and family so that I had support, and he went to SC to find out what his fate would be. On April 20th (what a joke) none the less - he was sentenced to 4 years in the State pen. They took him away, and that was the hardest day of my life.
He only spent 15 months in there and got out on parole for good behavior. Regardless, we lost so much money, and I spent the entire 15 months floundering. I was homeless at one point, jobless, and constantly struggling with my sanity. I had lost everything I had worked for in the matter of weeks, and it was devastating. I am sure at some point I will tell you bit and pieces about what happened over those months, but for now I can say little by little I am getting my life back, and I have my other half back.
He was Paroled in July, and a few weeks later I went to see him in SC for the first time. By that point I had gained some stability as far as a place to live and a job that I would start upon my return from the trip. When I saw him it was amazing... like love at first sight. I drove a straight 8 hours up to SC from spending a full day at the office. When I pulled in the drive way, there he stood out side to greet me. He picked me up and spun me around as I cried with relief. Two months later I went up there and we got married, and 3 1/2 months later he is finally here. Wow, what a long haul, and that isn't even the half of it.
For anyone to still be together after what we have been through is a miracle, and we are fighting for our future, our dreams, our lives, everyday - the thing is we need to stop fighting each other, and remember what an amazing team we can be together. I keep trying to do it all alone because I have had to for so long, but if I let my guard down again and remember what being the best team was like... I think I will remember who I am. I remember mentally who I used to be before his incarceration, but emotionally I feel voided, and calloused.With time I know it will heal... I hope.
I practiced about 10 songs with the guys last night. I get to perform my own music with the Trio for the first time in awhile in 6 days, and in a week from today the whole band is playing a 4 hour set. It will be fun, but I have no time to practice... I am going to continue to suck at everything I do if I can only put in half effort everywhere because I don't have time for myself, the band, and work... I don't know what to do... time to start evaluating my options.
I am sure that if the masses that are unemployed heard my conundrum that they would likely stone me to death. I would hear the redundant "Do you know how lucky you are to even HAVE a job!?", and while I hear that, see that, and understand that... it's hard to stay thankful when what keeps me away from my family, my music, my home, and new life experiences is an 8-5er where I sit at a desk all day only get rejected by everyone I call. In the same breath my dear husband is right. I and my family would be devastated if I got fired. Yet here I sit again writing this blog because this is one of the only things in my life that make me feel accomplished because it reminds me what I am working towards.
Last night I had band practice. Thankfully it completely turned my night around. Just before they walked through the door I was fighting about the above mentioned topic, and it was getting slightly heated. The arguing that we are doing isn't healthy. We both have a lot to work on, and have both made some big mistakes in our lives. Right now we are essentially starting from scratch in every aspect.
Two years ago my life with my husband was amazing! We were traveling the country to head out to California. We had just gotten this huge promotion with the Talent agency we were working for. We would go to different locations in the US and look for models, actors, singers, and dancers. We would host full production events 6 days a week and at the end of a 4 week cycle we would hold a main competition for them where hundreds of select talents would come to show off their skills. We usually did 2-3 four week cycles and then moved on to another location. My husband and I WERE the BEST.
At that point we had only been a team for 3 months and were already getting a huge promotion, but on the way to catching our dreams we got some bad news. My husband was being indited for the selling of marijuana. By the time he and I met it had been two years since his arrest, and he had COMPLETELY changed his life. He barley even drank, and all the sudden I was find out he was going to PRISON... FOR WEED??!
We thought he would be in the clear with a little slap on the wrist or maybe probation, but this wasn't the case. We were sent a plea agreement, and were told that this was the best case. I the most dooming words I have ever read it said "The judge reserves the right to sentence you anywhere from 1-10 years and/or a fine of $10,000.00". The general consensus was that he was charging 5 years minimum. So, we got to California and immediately had to start working knowing that in the matter of 6 weeks we would have to come back to S.C. just so that I could lose him and he would get sentenced.
After driving a full (15 hours a day) three days to get to California (which is normally done in 5- 7 days) we arrived with a truckload of home furnishings. We had invested our entire savings into renting a house with some fellow co-workers and long time friends of my husband. I think the total investment was around 9k. Mind you,... while it may have been a beautiful house with a 5 min. walk to the Huntington Beach pier we were were sharing a house with 8 other people. ( four adults & four kids - not including us). We were having to pay over 3,200 a month for a house everyone was renting and sharing and we didn't even get say in our own home... forget about privacy. Our 8 weeks in Hunting Beach was just work, work, work. Our last weeks before his impending sentence was not our dream or the fruit of our labor. It was like living in a dream where you are with someone that you loved dearly only to wake up and remember that they are dead or gone. We were living every day in a dead dream, and in was extremely painful.
So, on April 15th we headed back with a friend in toe would couldn't stand the living conditions either. My convict to be, dropped me off in Florida to be with my daughter and family so that I had support, and he went to SC to find out what his fate would be. On April 20th (what a joke) none the less - he was sentenced to 4 years in the State pen. They took him away, and that was the hardest day of my life.
He only spent 15 months in there and got out on parole for good behavior. Regardless, we lost so much money, and I spent the entire 15 months floundering. I was homeless at one point, jobless, and constantly struggling with my sanity. I had lost everything I had worked for in the matter of weeks, and it was devastating. I am sure at some point I will tell you bit and pieces about what happened over those months, but for now I can say little by little I am getting my life back, and I have my other half back.
He was Paroled in July, and a few weeks later I went to see him in SC for the first time. By that point I had gained some stability as far as a place to live and a job that I would start upon my return from the trip. When I saw him it was amazing... like love at first sight. I drove a straight 8 hours up to SC from spending a full day at the office. When I pulled in the drive way, there he stood out side to greet me. He picked me up and spun me around as I cried with relief. Two months later I went up there and we got married, and 3 1/2 months later he is finally here. Wow, what a long haul, and that isn't even the half of it.
For anyone to still be together after what we have been through is a miracle, and we are fighting for our future, our dreams, our lives, everyday - the thing is we need to stop fighting each other, and remember what an amazing team we can be together. I keep trying to do it all alone because I have had to for so long, but if I let my guard down again and remember what being the best team was like... I think I will remember who I am. I remember mentally who I used to be before his incarceration, but emotionally I feel voided, and calloused.With time I know it will heal... I hope.
I practiced about 10 songs with the guys last night. I get to perform my own music with the Trio for the first time in awhile in 6 days, and in a week from today the whole band is playing a 4 hour set. It will be fun, but I have no time to practice... I am going to continue to suck at everything I do if I can only put in half effort everywhere because I don't have time for myself, the band, and work... I don't know what to do... time to start evaluating my options.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Nice to meet you!
You know how they say "today is the first day of the rest your life"? Well, I truly feel like today is. When I was 11 years old I made a promise to myself. I said that if I don't make it into a HUGE STAR by the time I was 25 that I would call it quits. Of course..., over time, as things usually do, that was changed. Over time the deal became one of stability and happiness. When I was 19 I realized that I need some sort of stability in my life, and that my passion and love for music was the core of me. It, in many ways, gave me my identity.. "the weird singer-songwriter chick"... who is full of emotions, bursting at the seams of life, and can never be told who she is or who put it a box. I love being that person and knew I would never compromise that.
I played solo gigs, and learned my own sound. I was inspired off of everything that this world seemed to offer... until one day at age 20 I got pregnant. Well, you know us creative spirits. We feel off of other energy, and I had just gotten out of a horrific relationship with an alcoholic for two year to date my best friend.... I told him I didn't want kids. That I didn't believe in being married, BUT we went against my better judgment and let life take hold. I got pregnant and miscarried, got pregnant again and I kept... it was a nightmare pregnancy though. I was constantly sick. Through the entire pregnancy I was so completely uninspired. Every time I picked up my guitar I wanted to throw it against the wall because it felt so foreign against my now bloated body. I am a stick figure - normally 98-101LBS and everything felt wrong except for the love that was growing for this child inside my alien belly.
After she was born I was again extremely ill... Turns out I have an auto immune disease called Lupus. It causes major joint pain, and my white blood cells attack my entire body... my heart has now two valves that don't work correctly, and my lungs are very vulnerable to getting pluracy as well as pneumonia. There are many aspects to the illness, but the debilitating part is the constant fatigue - it's as if I never sleep even if I get 12 hours or more, and when I do wake up I feel like I got hit by a moving car. The other part is that I get sick at the drop of a hat, and that one little cold bug or flu can hospitalize me for weeks, and even kill me.
Needless to say.. that marriage didn't last more than 7 months. We were both miserable and he didn't know how to love me (his choice ultimately not mine). After he left I finally started getting inspired again. I started playing music with other artists, and was finally doing very well at it, but the main problem was that it was no life for a child. I was now a single mom, and the soul provider for my daughter and I was chasing a pipe dream. I was told constantly how talented I am, and that I was going to be famous, but I have been playing and writing music since I was 11 years old, and it was time.. time to decide on my future.. on her future. So my origional rock star desire changed...
I played solo gigs, and learned my own sound. I was inspired off of everything that this world seemed to offer... until one day at age 20 I got pregnant. Well, you know us creative spirits. We feel off of other energy, and I had just gotten out of a horrific relationship with an alcoholic for two year to date my best friend.... I told him I didn't want kids. That I didn't believe in being married, BUT we went against my better judgment and let life take hold. I got pregnant and miscarried, got pregnant again and I kept... it was a nightmare pregnancy though. I was constantly sick. Through the entire pregnancy I was so completely uninspired. Every time I picked up my guitar I wanted to throw it against the wall because it felt so foreign against my now bloated body. I am a stick figure - normally 98-101LBS and everything felt wrong except for the love that was growing for this child inside my alien belly.
After she was born I was again extremely ill... Turns out I have an auto immune disease called Lupus. It causes major joint pain, and my white blood cells attack my entire body... my heart has now two valves that don't work correctly, and my lungs are very vulnerable to getting pluracy as well as pneumonia. There are many aspects to the illness, but the debilitating part is the constant fatigue - it's as if I never sleep even if I get 12 hours or more, and when I do wake up I feel like I got hit by a moving car. The other part is that I get sick at the drop of a hat, and that one little cold bug or flu can hospitalize me for weeks, and even kill me.
Needless to say.. that marriage didn't last more than 7 months. We were both miserable and he didn't know how to love me (his choice ultimately not mine). After he left I finally started getting inspired again. I started playing music with other artists, and was finally doing very well at it, but the main problem was that it was no life for a child. I was now a single mom, and the soul provider for my daughter and I was chasing a pipe dream. I was told constantly how talented I am, and that I was going to be famous, but I have been playing and writing music since I was 11 years old, and it was time.. time to decide on my future.. on her future. So my origional rock star desire changed...
While looking at my beautiful daughter sleeping in her bed.. breathing in and out ever so sweetly I promised myself that after the 25th year of my life that if I couldn't support myself and family off of my musical talents then that was it - I would find a better path, and I would make a stable career out of something else that I loved - excuse me... liked (would be more accurate) to do.
So, here I am - age 25 with no path towards anything I want to do. I work for an insurance agency by day, and am an artist, writer, musician, mother, and wife by night.. in a band, but I work a full time job and am the main income for a family of three. The past year has been a the biggest mess of my life, and I have finally picked up the pieces...
Over the past year I have been through so much growth and so many learning experiences that it made me wonder - with so much change from day to day alluding to weeks and months ... what's going to change this year. Will my life turned upside down and inside out as it has for years -OR- will 2011-2012 bring what I have always looked for - peace, and stability, and my dreams?
I hope you stay with me while I try to make this last year of my deadline count. Can I accomplish my goals and dreams by pushing myself to the limit, or... will I just do the same thing I always do, and make a mess of my life, and give up when the going gets tough?
I hope you guys stay with me through the year. To see the change, and to read the stori - my Stori.
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