I don't know if anyone out there is going to even read this, but I guess it's more for me then anything.Yesterday was rough. I kept having arguments with my husband about my productivity at work. I will fully admit my stubbornness. I was almost born to oppose. In many ways he is right... I should take my job seriously and respect the opportunity I've been given because it is the only thing sustaining our family.... on the other hand, it is because of my nature to desire complete freedom and to create and be interactive that I disengage from my job. I am isolated. I sit in a small cubicle.. and all I do is call people all day and bug them about insurance. I promised myself I would NEVER do telemarketing again... yet here I am.
I am sure that if the masses that are unemployed heard my conundrum that they would likely stone me to death. I would hear the redundant "Do you know how lucky you are to even HAVE a job!?", and while I hear that, see that, and understand that... it's hard to stay thankful when what keeps me away from my family, my music, my home, and new life experiences is an 8-5er where I sit at a desk all day only get rejected by everyone I call. In the same breath my dear husband is right. I and my family would be devastated if I got fired. Yet here I sit again writing this blog because this is one of the only things in my life that make me feel accomplished because it reminds me what I am working towards.
Last night I had band practice. Thankfully it completely turned my night around. Just before they walked through the door I was fighting about the above mentioned topic, and it was getting slightly heated. The arguing that we are doing isn't healthy. We both have a lot to work on, and have both made some big mistakes in our lives. Right now we are essentially starting from scratch in every aspect.
Two years ago my life with my husband was amazing! We were traveling the country to head out to California. We had just gotten this huge promotion with the Talent agency we were working for. We would go to different locations in the US and look for models, actors, singers, and dancers. We would host full production events 6 days a week and at the end of a 4 week cycle we would hold a main competition for them where hundreds of select talents would come to show off their skills. We usually did 2-3 four week cycles and then moved on to another location. My husband and I WERE the BEST.
At that point we had only been a team for 3 months and were already getting a huge promotion, but on the way to catching our dreams we got some bad news. My husband was being indited for the selling of marijuana. By the time he and I met it had been two years since his arrest, and he had COMPLETELY changed his life. He barley even drank, and all the sudden I was find out he was going to PRISON... FOR WEED??!
We thought he would be in the clear with a little slap on the wrist or maybe probation, but this wasn't the case. We were sent a plea agreement, and were told that this was the best case. I the most dooming words I have ever read it said "The judge reserves the right to sentence you anywhere from 1-10 years and/or a fine of $10,000.00". The general consensus was that he was charging 5 years minimum. So, we got to California and immediately had to start working knowing that in the matter of 6 weeks we would have to come back to S.C. just so that I could lose him and he would get sentenced.
After driving a full (15 hours a day) three days to get to California (which is normally done in 5- 7 days) we arrived with a truckload of home furnishings. We had invested our entire savings into renting a house with some fellow co-workers and long time friends of my husband. I think the total investment was around 9k. Mind you,... while it may have been a beautiful house with a 5 min. walk to the Huntington Beach pier we were were sharing a house with 8 other people. ( four adults & four kids - not including us). We were having to pay over 3,200 a month for a house everyone was renting and sharing and we didn't even get say in our own home... forget about privacy. Our 8 weeks in Hunting Beach was just work, work, work. Our last weeks before his impending sentence was not our dream or the fruit of our labor. It was like living in a dream where you are with someone that you loved dearly only to wake up and remember that they are dead or gone. We were living every day in a dead dream, and in was extremely painful.
So, on April 15th we headed back with a friend in toe would couldn't stand the living conditions either. My convict to be, dropped me off in Florida to be with my daughter and family so that I had support, and he went to SC to find out what his fate would be. On April 20th (what a joke) none the less - he was sentenced to 4 years in the State pen. They took him away, and that was the hardest day of my life.
He only spent 15 months in there and got out on parole for good behavior. Regardless, we lost so much money, and I spent the entire 15 months floundering. I was homeless at one point, jobless, and constantly struggling with my sanity. I had lost everything I had worked for in the matter of weeks, and it was devastating. I am sure at some point I will tell you bit and pieces about what happened over those months, but for now I can say little by little I am getting my life back, and I have my other half back.
He was Paroled in July, and a few weeks later I went to see him in SC for the first time. By that point I had gained some stability as far as a place to live and a job that I would start upon my return from the trip. When I saw him it was amazing... like love at first sight. I drove a straight 8 hours up to SC from spending a full day at the office. When I pulled in the drive way, there he stood out side to greet me. He picked me up and spun me around as I cried with relief. Two months later I went up there and we got married, and 3 1/2 months later he is finally here. Wow, what a long haul, and that isn't even the half of it.
For anyone to still be together after what we have been through is a miracle, and we are fighting for our future, our dreams, our lives, everyday - the thing is we need to stop fighting each other, and remember what an amazing team we can be together. I keep trying to do it all alone because I have had to for so long, but if I let my guard down again and remember what being the best team was like... I think I will remember who I am. I remember mentally who I used to be before his incarceration, but emotionally I feel voided, and calloused.With time I know it will heal... I hope.
I practiced about 10 songs with the guys last night. I get to perform my own music with the Trio for the first time in awhile in 6 days, and in a week from today the whole band is playing a 4 hour set. It will be fun, but I have no time to practice... I am going to continue to suck at everything I do if I can only put in half effort everywhere because I don't have time for myself, the band, and work... I don't know what to do... time to start evaluating my options.
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