Nice to meet you!

You know how they say "today is the first day of the rest your life"? Well, I truly feel like today is. When I was 11 years old I made a promise to myself. I said that if I don't make it into a HUGE STAR by the time I was 25 that I would call it quits. Of course..., over time, as things usually do, that was changed. Over time the deal became one of stability and happiness. When I was 19 I realized that I need some sort of stability in my life, and that my passion and love for music was the core of me. It, in many ways, gave me my identity.. "the weird singer-songwriter chick"... who is full of emotions, bursting at the seams of life, and can never be told who she is or who put it a box. I love being that person and knew I would never compromise that.

I played solo gigs, and learned my own sound. I was inspired off of everything that this world seemed to offer... until one day at age 20 I got pregnant. Well, you know us creative spirits. We feel off of other energy, and I had just gotten out of a horrific relationship with an alcoholic for two year to date my best friend.... I told him I didn't want kids. That I didn't believe in being married, BUT we went against my better judgment and let life take hold. I got pregnant and miscarried, got pregnant again and I kept... it was a nightmare pregnancy though. I was constantly sick. Through the entire pregnancy I was so completely uninspired. Every time I picked up my guitar I wanted to throw it against the wall because it felt so foreign against my now bloated body. I am a stick figure - normally 98-101LBS and everything felt wrong except for the love that was growing for this child inside my alien belly.

After she was born I was again extremely ill... Turns out I have an auto immune disease called Lupus. It causes major joint pain, and my white blood cells attack my entire body... my heart has now two valves that don't work correctly, and my lungs are very vulnerable to getting pluracy as well as pneumonia. There are many aspects to the illness, but the debilitating part is the constant fatigue - it's as if I never sleep even if I get 12 hours or more, and when I do wake up I feel like I got hit by a moving car. The other part is that I get sick at the drop of a hat, and that one little cold bug or flu can hospitalize me for weeks, and even kill me.

Needless to say.. that marriage didn't last more than 7 months. We were both miserable and he didn't know how to love me (his choice ultimately not mine). After he left I finally started getting inspired again. I started playing music with other artists, and was finally doing very well at it, but the main problem was that it was no life for a child. I was now a single mom, and the soul provider for my daughter and I was chasing a pipe dream. I was told constantly how talented I am, and that I was going to be famous, but I have been playing and writing music since I was 11 years old, and it was time.. time to decide on my future.. on her future.  So my origional rock star desire changed...

While looking at my beautiful daughter sleeping in her bed.. breathing in and out ever so sweetly I promised myself that after the 25th year of my life that if I couldn't support myself and family off of my musical talents then that was it - I would find a better path, and I would make a stable career out of something else that I loved - excuse me... liked (would be more accurate) to do.

So, here I am - age 25 with  no path towards anything I want to do. I work for an insurance agency by day, and am an artist, writer, musician, mother, and wife by night.. in a band, but I work a full time job and am the main income for a family of three. The past year has been a the biggest mess of my life, and I have finally picked up the pieces...

Over the past year I have been through so much growth and so many learning experiences that it made me wonder - with so much change from day to day alluding to weeks and months ... what's going to change this year. Will my life turned upside down and inside out as it has for years -OR- will 2011-2012 bring what I have always looked for - peace, and stability, and my dreams?

I hope you stay with me while I try to make this last year of my deadline count. Can I accomplish my goals and dreams by pushing myself to the limit, or... will I just do the same thing I always do, and make a mess of my life, and give up when the going gets tough? 

I hope you guys stay with me through the year. To see the change, and to read the stori - my Stori.